Monday, January 21, 2013

NBA... on the move!

The story is that the Sacramento Kings are being sold to an owner who plans on moving them to Seattle.  It's a familiar story- a loyal fanbase being stabbed in the back by greedy and/or stupid owners who get bailed out by moving the team to a new city, just waiting to give them a brand-spanking new stadium and all of the money in the world.

(Side note:  I'm a full-fledged capitalist.  However, I make an exception for sports for three reasons:

1- Sports, unlike life, really is a zero-sum game.  For San Francisco to succeed, Atlanta must lose.  If that's the case, better to make things as equal as possible.

2- Sports teams have no problem blackmailing cities- and therefore, taxpayers- to finance their stadiums.  Therefore, they've lost the credibility to be only a business.

3- Having lost the Browns and experiencing this firsthand, I'm more than a little bitter)

So I think it's time to strike back.

My suggestion, which I offer free to the city of Sacramento for no charge, is to make the following announcement:

"Hi.  Because of the recent sale, the Sacramento Kings are going to be moved to Seattle.  This will replace the team the city of Seattle lost when they were sold to Oklahoma.  In both cases, fanbases were lied to and betrayed, and the NBA abetted and allowed this move.

Now, we could insist that the NBA cancel this move- but they claim they can't.  Or we could try to change from being the victim to the attacker and take someone else's city.  But that unfair to the other city.

So we're going to give the NBA two choices.  Option number 1- a new expansion team, right here in Sacramento.  Heck- we'll be so glad that the owners aren't the Maloofs that we'll take a brand-new franchise.

If you don't like that, we'll go to option number 2.  Now, we won't steal another city's NBA franchise.  That's because the Los Angeles Lakers will voluntarily come to us.

They'll come, because if they don't, the state of California- did we mention that Sacramento is the capital of California?- will pass a 10,000% tax on all NBA purchases involving California teams.  Those Lakers tickets really will be made of gold, for as much as they'll cost.  They can either move here on their own, or start charging seven-digit ticket prices.  

Oh- and that tax increase also applies for all NBA contracts.  There might be some legal issues, but since we don't have basketball here in Sacramento, we have plenty of time to go through the court system.

Now, some people might say that it's unfair to take the Lakers.  But Los Angeles already has two teams, so they aren't losing the NBA.  Besides, we're still pissed about the 2002 playoffs.

So, the choice is yours, David Stern.  Give us a new franchise, give us the Lakers, or give us a massive check."

And, Sacramento... you're welcome.
 

Holy Crap... I'm in a show!

Lately, I've started going to the Improv at Mahall's in Cleveland.  It's a fun show with a great group of people.  

I've tried both stand-up comedy and community theater in the past, and Improv takes the best of both worlds.  

Unlike stand-up, which is a solitary activity (it's just you on stage), Improv allows you to work with and play off others.  Also, my own experiences with stand-up has been that the comics have a very cut-throat mentality. 

In community theater you work with others, but it's extremely structured- you're limited to what the play is, or the director's interpretation of the play.  It becomes repetitive.  Plus, half the plays are very tragic in nature, and I continue a decade of being on a low-angst diet.

But with Improv, you work with a group of people, and come up with new things every time.  And we've been lucky to work with a great group of people at Mahall's.

From this group, we found out about a sketch comedy group starting up, and now we're part of The Public Squares.  I've always wanted to be on show like SNL or SCTV, so this is a dream come true.  Our shows are (pitch alert!)  Feb. 1 and 2nd.  The crew is great, and the skits are funny.  

Finally... the Mighty Bastard comes to the stage :)