"I remember you."
He didn't look like the devil. A chunky white middle-aged man with a receding hairline and a faint smell of stale coffee all around him. He'd traded in his Hawaiian shirt for a teal sweatshirt and matching pants. We were standing at a table in a cell phone store.
The last time we spoke, it was eight years ago in a dream. I'd forgotten all about it. He spent his time bragging about his big plans- was in such a good mood that he gave me a winning sports team, on the house. When I woke up, I'd forgotten all about it.
"And you're going to forget this time, too." He snapped, pacing as he sipped his drink from a mug.
Something was different. He was irritated. And, while he didn't look dangerous... it's not real healthy to be the focus of Lucifer.
"Not you, dork." Apparently, he could read minds or at least my mind. He pointed vaguely upwards. "That one."
"What, God?" I looked up, not seeing anything but the dirty whtie ceiling. "What does he... she... umm..."
A chuckle escaped his lips. "Listen, kid, when you're the creator or creation, you are a one of one. You can be whatever you want. God's either every gender or none at all. But the important thing is that God is ANNOYING!" He shouted the last word. Strangely, none of the other people in the store turned to look at him. Or paid any attention to us at all.
"God's up to something." He muttered.
"How do you know?" I shouldn't have asked. I know I shouldn't have asked. Curiosity killed the cat- and probably me as well.
"How do I know... I know. I've been playing this game for years. Sometimes I'm ahead, sometimes they're ahead. But now... now..."
I waited for him to continue.
"Things are going well. Too well." He started counting off on his fingers. "I've got people obsessed with elections at the exact moment the quality of the people in charge is at the lowest. People are worried about everything- the living conditions of the planet, whether AI is going to take over their jobs, drugs and mental illness."
He continued, "My masterstroke was creating a technology that allows everyone on the planet to instantly communicate with each other, so you humans can confirm that your neighbors are, in fact, the sick nuts that you always suspected. That was..." He lifted his hand to perform a chef's kiss. ".... my finest work in centuries."
He was building up to something. I let him.
"Smart."
Did I mention that I hated that he could read my mind?
"Tough shit."
He took another sip before continuing. "Here's the thing. I make moves, God makes moves. Every time I get ahead, God changes things. But usually I can figure out what God's doing. Can't stop it, but I can try and counter it. But..." Lucifer shrugged, "I've had the the whole game to myself for eight years. God's planning something- I just can't figure out what. I've been getting away with murder. It's easy mode."
He paused, "Maybe they've left. You know, abandoned the game. Maybe if God's gone, I'll get bored and leave all of you alone..." A pause.
"Nah... tormenting you human is way too much fun. I could do it for eons. So I'll just keep harassing you all."
"... over the small stuff." I immediately closed my mouth. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't...
He snapped his neck around to look at me. "What did you say?"
"Noth-"
"You forget that I can read your puny brain?"
I sighed. "You keep talking about the game you're playing. But what if God is playing a different game- and one you aren't doing anything about?"
"Bah." He spat on the floor. "Have you looked around? Things are going to Hell. If I can keep up the climate change, that might be literal."
"Look..." I grabbed a tablet and typed in a search. Pretty soon I found what I was looking for, and showed him the chart:
"The world's population has boomed, but the number of people living in extreme poverty has dropped. Starvation is almsot extinct- in a world of over 8 billion."
"That's just food." He protested, but still listening.
"There's more people on earth. They are living longer. They are richer. It is better to be alive now than at any point in human history. How does that lead to you 'winning'?"
Now he was annoyed, "OK, smartass. COVID. I not only brought back the plague years, but made everyone paranoid to go outside."
I nodded, "You did. And just over a year later- one year- a vaccine was developed. It's not perfect, but it's taken COVID from a worldwide plague to a manageable disease. And the technology that was used to develop the vaccine is also being used to defeat other diseases."
"Face it." I said. "You're doing end zone celebrations while God's running up the score on you."
Lucifer scowled, grabbed the tablet, and blasted me across the face. That's all I remember.
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